The Night He Came Home...And The Night You Stay Home To Watch TV Instead
Score: 2/10 (Horrendous!)
Bottom Line: Save Your Money
To-The-Point: A pointless parade of sadistic gore and violence, Halloween completely ignores what made the original so classic to present an endless cycle of sex scenes and stabbings, failing to create fear, suspense, or excitement. Rob Zombie stumbles through mishandled dialogue, weak character motivations, a lack of character development, and stretches of boredom to which no amount of blood could ever redeem. Watch the original instead, and pray that Zombie doesn't get hired for the inevitable sequel.
Complete Truth: Sigh.
When will Hollywood stop remaking horror movies, especially classic films that were perfect to begin with? Sure, occasionally a decent update like Dawn of the Dead will stumble into theatres, but mostly we are forced to suffer through garbage such as The Wicker Man, Black Christmas, The Hitcher, and now Halloween. Is Hollywood so creatively bankrupt and money-hungry that one day we may have to endure a remake of a masterpiece like Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho?
Oh, wait...
The "reimagined" version of Halloween seeks to explore the motivations behind one of cinema's most recognizable villains, Michael Myers, by fleshing out his backstory as a youth. As a child, Michael (Daeg Faerch) is a pudgy KISS fan that lives in a decrepit suburban house with his foul-mouthed stripper mom, Deborah (Sheri Moon Zombie), his foul-mouthed alcoholic stepdad, Ronnie (William Forsythe), and his (you guessed it) foul-mouthed slutty sister, Judith (Hanna Hall). At least Zombie was clever enough to display characters and situations he hasn't done before, with sterotypically vulgar white-trash at each other's throats (*cough* House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects *cough*).
The constant abuse from Ronnie and Judith causes Michael to form a relationship with his well-meaning mom and his baby sister, Boo (fortunately not foul-mouthed, and also later known as Laurie Strode), but even their affection isn't enough to stop young Michael from resorting to abusing animals Dahmer-style and taking photos of their carcasses. Maybe he should've become a taxidermist instead of a serial killer?
Poor Michael can't even find refuge at his school, as a couple of bullies torment him when they discover his mom is a stripper. Even worse, Principal Chambers (Richard Lynch) discovers that Michael has been killing animals and suggest that he be examined by Dr. Samuel Loomis (Malcolm McDowell). Wow, all that bad luck in just his first hour of the day - maybe he woke up on the wrong side of the trailer, or maybe Zombie is forcing too many generic motivations into the intro. Either way, Michael escapes from school and proceeds to release his anger by savagely killing one of the school bullies in the woods - even though Michael is clearly younger, out-of-shape, and wielding a measly tree branch as his weapon.
That Halloween night, the blood really hits the fan when Mikey's sister refuses to take him trick-or-treating so she can have sex with a guy that happens to have the original mask from the first film. As Michael sits outside, we are treated to an unintentionally hilarious sequence in which Zombie cuts between the dejected youth and his mom dancing at the strip club - while the song Love Hurts blares in the background. Our young murderer is so pissed off about his lack of Halloween candy that he slaughters Ronnie, Judith, and her boyfriend, all in a fantastically absurd scene where a bumbling adolescent takes down two fully grown men as he wears an oversized version of the original mask - making him appear as a life-sized bobble-head. This little killing spree forces Mike to be detained at a maximum-security sanitarium under the care of - here's some more convenience for you - Dr. Loomis.
Well, fifteen years pass by without any progress (and as you watch scene after scene of Dr. Loomis bullshitting with a mute fat kid, it really feels like it), so Loomis informs the older, strangely muscular Michael (Tyler Mane) that their "friendship" is over. Fortunately enough for both Rob Zombie and the audience, the institution decides to move 'ol Mike on the night before Halloween. Of course, this leads to more gruesome killings and one pissed-off escaped convict that, with his orange mask and flowing hair, more resembles a long-lost member of Slipknot than The Shape.
If the glove does not fit, you must acquit. Right, Mike?
That's about where any original material ends, as the rest of the film is a beat-for-beat remake of the original film - but only in half the amount of time. Forget about becoming acquainted with Laurie (Scout Taylor-Compton), her friends Annie (Danielle Harris) and Lynda (Kristina Klebe), or their boyfriends - I certainly know that Zombie did. And within a few seconds of introducing each character, I forgot them, too.
The biggest flaw with this new Halloween is Rob Zombie. Zombie's screenplay basically extends the creepy intro from the original into half of the film, eliminating Michael's mystique with a plodding, cliche-ridden backstory that transforms the icon from 'the boogeyman' into a pathetic redneck that hides behind masks. In the original film, Michael was so threatening because of his lack of motivation (he was simply pure evil), but with this remake, Zombie's motivations inadvertently cause Michael to become an anti-hero. By making him more human, Zombie also opens himself up for many plot holes, including the fact that Michael is somehow able to find and identify his baby sister 15 years later when not even her or her parents know that she was once a Myers. Good detective work, Mike - did you learn those Sherlock Holmes skills by sitting in a padded cell for more than half your life? Or maybe you earned those skills the same magical way you managed to become an extremely muscular giant that can smash through walls and break metal with ease?
All other characters (save for a rehashed version of Dr. Loomis) are given a few lines of dialogue in one or two scenes, then dispatched of (read: killed in the most brutally vicious manner possible). Zombie replaces character development with sex scenes while substituting suspense with graphic murders. Not once, not twice, but three times we are treated to a sex scene between undeveloped couples (one of the males doesn't even show his face!) that - in true slasher fashion - are quickly followed with their bloody deaths. There is no build-up or suspense because we are emotionally detatched to what is happening on the big screen, and since the villain becomes the most well-developed character in the film, the only thing left to fear in Halloween is the dialogue, acting, and editing. How can a film be scary when we root more for the killer than the victims?
But Zombie wasn't content to simply destroy Halloween through a screenplay riddled with generic motivations, no character development, and mishandled dialogue - he also felt the need to get behind the camera and ruin whatever positive aspects that remained. From unnecessary slow motion shots to dizzying camerawork, Zombie tries to styilize a film that doesn't require it. Rather than create a more simpler, realistic tone, Zombie instead focuses on the MTV-style form of modern filmmaking that effectively destroys any believability the film could've exhibited. The other shots would fit perfectly into a student film, from the mandatory "this shot is supposed to be creepy because the camera is tilted" to "this shot is supposed to be scary because it's a close-up of a bloody stabbing."
Zombie also makes the unfortunate decision to follow Michael around, revealing his location and telegraphing any potential suspense or creepiness. The original utilized Michael's POV at unconventional, seemingly "normal" moments to generate suspense. Here, Zombie literally shows us where Mike is at all times so that he couldn't scare us if he tried - which Zombie does try, only with loud noises instead of creepy imagery.
Outside of the original music, this film doesn't even feel like it's supposed to be set on Halloween night. Zombie fails to create the unique fall atmosphere of late October in an Illinois suburb, instead creating an experience that may as well be Detroit in the summer. Seriously, are there even kids trick-or-treating in this entire film? Who knows, who cares, and I'm not about to watch this movie again to find out.
So, there you have it. I could continue to rant about the obvious reshoots that lead to poor editing, Zombie's horrific overcasting of B-movie regulars that majorly disrupts the film, or the lame finale, but I've had enough of Halloween in August.
So, is Hallowen a trick-or-treat?
Neither.
It's the half-naked drunk that hands out pennies and circus peanuts.
If you just would've gone to prom with me, we wouldn't be in this mess, Laurie.
Halloween, a Dimension Films release, is rated R for "strong, brutal, bloody violence and terror throughout, sexual content, graphic nudity and language."
Total running time is 109 minutes.
Starring Malcolm McDowell, Brad Dourif, Tyler Mane, Daeg Faerch, and Sheri Moon. Screenplay by Rob Zombie. Directed by Rob Zombie.
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