Rental Review: Starship Troopers 3: Marauder!

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder

Written By Steve

Score: 3/10 (Cruddy!)

Bottom Line: Save Your Money

To-The-Point: An embarrassment on all levels, Starship Troopers 3: Marauder is a clumsy mess slopped together with a miserable script. Following an absolutely ridiculous storyline, Marauder displays Z-grade actors, dull directing, and special effects that would cause the Sci-Fi channel to cringe. Simply put, there is absolutely no reason for this film to exist outside of somebody's poorly constructed fan fiction.

Complete Truth: Starship Troopers is one of my favorite films of all time, combining B-movie thrills with astounding special effects to create a sci-fi epic brimming with memorable moments. When a straight-to-DVD sequel was announced, I was excited but skeptical of how Hero of the Federation would translate the grand nature of the Troopers universe into a low budget affair with no returning actors from the original. Needless to say, it failed spectacularly in the worst manner possible - yet, somehow, it was approved for another sequel.

Once again, I felt my hopes rising for a film that could match the original in tone, style, and intensity. With each announcement, I started to believe. Casper Van Dien reprising his role as Johnny Rico. Edward Neumeier - screenwriter of RoboCop and Starship Troopers - handling screenwriting and directing duties. Rated R for violence, language, and nudity.

Oops.

I should've learned that straight-to-DVD sequels are horrible little creatures that attach to your soul - your very being - and leech the life out of your withering body until you hate yourself. Or that sci-fi action epics aren't feasible with a budget equivalent to how much Lucy charges for psychiatric help. Or that most trilogies shouldn't exist - and almost never end well.


I wonder if I was hired for a role in Casper: A Spirited Beginning just becaused of my name...

Side Note: The original Starship Troopers received a generally favorable reception, as it currently has a 62% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. The first sequel, Hero of the Federation, currently enjoys a whopping 12% while Marauder is an "improvement" with 27%.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder, a Sony Pictures release, is Rated R for violence, language and some nudity.

Total running time is 105 minutes.

Starring Casper Van Dien, Jolene Blalock, and Stephen Hogan. Written by Edward Neumeier. Directed by Edward Neumeier.

Review: Pineapple Express!

Pineapple Express

Written By Steve

Score: 7/10 (Entertaining!)

Bottom Line: Spend Your Money

To-The-Point: Judd Apatow and company (The Frat Pack?) deliver yet another comedy hit, extending their streak of successful comedies that have dominated Hollywood in the past 4 years. Although the humor is more hit-or-miss than Knocked Up, the goofy action scenes more than make up for it with surreal fist fights, car chases, and shoot-outs. With comedians on par with legends such as Bill Murray and Chevy Chase (back in their prime, of course), check out Pineapple Express if you're hungry for laughs...or munchies.

Complete Truth: Let me come clean: I dislike comedies. I grew up watching any horror movie I could get my hands on, establishing a love for all things creepy and gory early on in life. Simply put, I have a macabre sense of humor and find I don't enjoy fart jokes or people getting hit in the nuts by various objects.

Lately, however, I've been enjoying such films as Superbad and Knocked Up because of their clever one-liners, realistic characters, and passionate improv. These films seem to find a perfect balance between story and humor, offering likable characters amid memorable vulgarities. Pineapple Express continues this trend, although some of that distinct wit has been replaced with explosions and bullets.


Seth Rogen and James Franco finally watch 2 Girls 1 Cup.

Beginning with an interesting - yet disappointing - scene revealing how marijuana was deemed illegal, Pineapple Express falters in its early scenes because of a simple lack of jokes. Once James Franco is introduced, Express stumbles to life with its core relationship between a dazed pot dealer and his frantic customer. The remainder of the film relies on the interactions between Franco and Rogen, which happily produces a comical mix of physical humor, snappy comebacks, and the occasional pop culture reference.

As the story kicks into "high" gear when our duo is dragged into a drug war, Express retains its charm but slowly loses its clever dialogue to action scenes that pay homage to 80s buddy flicks. Although I found the entire experience to be entertaining, it's obvious that Express wouldn't have succeeded as just a comedy or just an action movie. Only by combining these slightly above average elements does the film truly make its mark.

Side Note: Seth Rogen wrote Pineapple Express in 2001 while he was busy appearing in Donnie Darko.

Pineapple Express, a Columbia Pictures release, is Rated R for pervasive language, drug use, sexual references and violence.

Total running time is 111 minutes.

Starring Seth Rogen, James Franco, and Danny McBride. Written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg. Directed by David Gordon Green.

Rental Review: Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay!

Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Written By Steve

Score: 4/10 (Underwhelming!)

Bottom Line: Save Your Money

To-The-Point: Replacing charm and wit for more nudity and racism, Escape From Guantanamo Bay rehashes the first film to become a pale imitator of itself. A few references to Go To White Castle provide some of the only shining moments, but unintentionally causes the realization that the audience should be watching the original instead. Boring dialogue and cliche material drag the entire film through an unfunny muck, generating no interest for the possibility of a sequel.

Complete Truth: I generally find no interest in "stoner" comedies, since they tend to rely on cheap gags and low-brow humor that only becomes funnier the more your IQ drops. However, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle quickly became one of my most cherished comedies due to likable characters, clever twists on familiar material, and an over-the-top approach that bordered on being a spoof. Escape From Guantanamo Bay, unfortunately, ignores these unique elements and succumbs to being a shadow of its former self.

Beginning immediately after the ending of White Castle, we are thrust into a severely unfunny first act involving bathroom humor suitable for a five-year-old, overdone racial discrimination, and a generic love interest that is about as necessary as a dildo sharpener. After our duo are mistaken for terrorists, the film comes to a complete halt as they are imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay in what has to be record time. But don't be fooled, as the titular escape involves no clever planning or espionage - Harold and Kumar escape within minutes through pure luck. Most of the film is presented in this manner, with potentially hilarious scenes wasted on haphazard writing and the most generic material possible. Filthy things happen in prison, the KKK hates other races, guys enjoy naked women, and hillbillies inbreed - wow, what revelations.


Not even you can save us from mediocity this time, Doogie Howser.

Somehow, Escape manages to be completely racist while trying to focus on the negatives of such behavior. Numerous scenes revolve around white people being ignorant or plain stupid, and the joke becomes old quicker than this chick. Everything becomes predictable when you realize that most characters are written in the opposite of their stereotype - so when you see a group of thugs playing basketball, you've already predicted the punchline minutes before the film shows you that they're actually not that threatening.

Besides a few fleeting glimpses of hope, such as a flashback to Harold and Kumar's college years or the end credits romp through Amsterdam, the only pleasant moments appear as references to the original film. Neil Patrick Harris returns as a sex-crazed version of himself to provide a peek into what mushrooms do to your mind and body, the infamous word "extreme" is muttered at one point, and we witness the return of Kumar's true love. However, these scenes only magnify the poor writing elsewhere while you slowly realize you're only laughing at jokes from the first film.

Another gripe, however minor, is that Goldstein and Rosenberg are severely underused in this film. One of the joys in White Castle was that instead of following their adventures (as most films would've done), their story occurred parallel to Harold and Kumar's journey. By catching glimpses of their night throughout the original film, we had a sense that their shenanigans could've been its own separate movie. Here, they are more wasted than Indiana Jones' son.

With repetitive material that steals from the original film, jokes that revolve around watching characters smoke pot, and a complete lack of references to The Gift, Harold and Kumar should've escaped to Amsterdam instead.

Side Note: This film was originally supposed to go straight-to-DVD, but it was decided that the series become a trilogy and released theatrically.

Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay, a New Line Cinema release, is Rated R for strong crude and sexual content, graphic nudity, pervasive language and drug use.

Total running time is 102 minutes.

Starring John Cho, Kal Penn, and Neil Patrick Harris. Written by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg. Directed by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg.