Review: War!

War

What is it good for?

Score: 1/10 (Trash!)

Bottom Line: Save Your Money

To-The-Point: War is, without a doubt, the worst film of the year. A completely pointless piece of garbage, War features confusing editing, laughable action sequences, and a messy plot that is rendered meaningless in the last act by a pair of twists that reveal everything beforehand to be absolutely unnecessary.

Complete Truth: To preface my review of War, let it be known that my seething hatred for this film cannot be contained in the space of a few paragraphs. No, it can only be expressed through an anger that is only comparable to what you would feel if your house burned down, your bank account was emptied through identity theft, and your parents were murdered before your own eyes, all on the same day - that's how much I hate this movie.

So, why should you hate War as much as I do? Allow me to explain what could occur in a film to literally make me start laughing during the screening because of how terrible it is.

After his partner is murdered, John Crawford (Jason Statham) becomes obsessed with finding the most likely culprit: a CIA-trained assassin known as Rogue (Jet Li). Since Rogue (I wonder how long it took the screenwriters to come up with that clever gem of a name) is a freelance hitman who undergoes more plastic surgery than Joan Rivers, John (is there any other action-hero name more cliche?) is forced into policing a war between the Chinese Triads and the Japanese Yakuza to flush Rogue out of hiding.

And that's it.

No intricate narrative, no subplots, and no original material. The characters presented here are all one-dimensional caricatures reduced to generic dialogue and personalities with no distinguishing features whatsoever, eventually blurring together until you have no idea who is Chinese and who is Japanese (no, that's not a racist remark). There isn't a single character in this entire film that demands sympathy, as I've seen cereal brand mascots with more character development than anybody in War (They're Grrreat! - but this movie isn't).

Without a single character to root for (I despised everybody in War, not just the villains I was supposed to loathe), the entire storyline is left meaningless and absolutely uninteresting. Based on the promos for War, it's easy to believe that the entire movie would focus on Jason Statham fighting Jet Li to the death, but the film is actually about two rival gangs fighting over some golden horses. Even though the tagline is "Jet Li and Jason Statham are at war," the two actors people paid to see don't fight until the very end of the film - for less than one minute. For some unknown reason, the screenwriters and director ignore the potential excitement of pitting these two men against each other to instead focus on a bunch of generic Asian gang members killing each other for absolutely no reason, other than to fill the movie's trailer with explosions.

The writing was so poor that it felt like somebody let a teenager watch every B-action-movie ever created, then allowed him to cobble together his own screenplay based on what he saw. Not once, but twice at the beginning of the film we are told that Rogue is the only person in the world to use a special titanium bullet, thus allowing John to identify him as the person that killed his partner. Less than ten minutes later, the movie flashes back to once again show us these clips to remind us that Rogue uses titanium bullets. In less than ten minutes, the screenwriters assume their audience is so stupid that they provide us with a flashback - and it happens throughout the movie to remind us that John's partner was killed. And what about the glorious dialogue, which includes such lines as "These are bad-ass guys" and "Your obsession has ruined our marriage." What happened to 'show, don't tell,' the lesson that film school teaches every student within the first two weeks?


Enjoy this moment while it lasts, because Jet Li and Jason Statham appear together for less than 5 minutes in all of War.

If, somehow, you were interested in the story for the first 95 minutes, the last five minutes completely destroys all prior narrative through two nonsensical twists that results in your already-invested time of torture to be entirely meaningless. But, if that wasn't a big enough slap to the face, something happens to Jason Statham's character at the end of the film, but the credits begin rolling before anything is resolved. I say "something happens" to John because I have no idea what does happen. There is no epilogue, there is no satisfying ending to tie-up loose ends - just a list of everybody responsible for your lighter wallet and intense anger.

But without compelling characters, an interesting story, or clever dialogue, there is still the possibility that the director could create a decent film that emphasizes style over substance. Judging on my review so far, how do you think first-time movie director Philip Atwell performed?

The directing and editing displayed throughout War couldn't be any worse, as Atwell's prior music video experience is obvious in every scene. For some inexplicable reason, many scenes break away from characters and story to focus on strippers juking at the club or pimped-out rides rolling out. It's as if Atwell decided to make a rap music video with action instead of music, or an elaborate car commercial occasionally interrupted by bouts of violence and out-of-left-field nudity. The editing is so atrocious that the flashbacks reminded me of the chaotic torture sequences of Saw, while the brief moments of action combined the most nausiating moments of a Bourne film with MTV-style quick-cut montages to create a disorienting, confusing mess. Don't expect to see half of the action you paid for, not that it would make it any more exciting.

Fine, you still don't believe me. After all, you're not interested in War for its story, characters, directing, or editing - you want action. Let's just say that you'll get more action at a retirement home than in War. The few action scenes in the film are so completely uninspired and derivative that they could've changed the already generic title of War into something such as Action Movie. There is no twist or originality to any of the proceedings, resulting in a checklist of the most boring action commited to film: car chase down a generic street, shootout in a generic restaurant, fistfight in a generic warehouse, and so on. Why cast Jet Li in a role that requires almost no martial arts, instead relying on shooting guns? Why does the film frequently cut to action between unknown characters fighting each other for unknown reasons? Why does this film exist?

There isn't a single positive statement I can make about War. Usually, even the most dreadful of films (or anything in life, for that matter) has a shining moment bright enough that it makes an overall terrible experience seem somewhat worthwhile because of the hope that this potential may be fully realized somewhere in the future. War contains no such element.

I'll stop right there. I could continue, mind you, to rant about the bland performances, miserable soundtrack, and every other godforsaken aspect of War, but I figure this film doesn't deserve any more of my time. Don't let it deserve yours, either.

There's another three-letter word besides War to describe this movie: bad.

Side Note: War is the action movie equivalent to what Hostel II was for horror films: the definition of everything wrong with the genre.


Here's a still of Bruce Willis - sorry, I meant Jason Statham - starring in The Transporter. Wait, wrong movie? I meant Crank. What? A different shitty action movie besides those two? Forget it - here's a picture of an undeserving action star listening to his iPod with incredibly large Princess Leia-style headphones while aiming his pistol at his agent.

War, a Lions Gate Film release, is rated R for "sequences of strong bloody violence, sexuality/nudity and language."

Total running time is 103 minutes.

Starring Jet Li, Jason Statham, and Luis Guzman. Screenplay by Lee Anthony Smith and Gregory J. Bradley. Directed by Philip G. Atwell.